wrestling...

i've been wrestling lately. every noe and then my mind goes into daydream mode and i have to fight to get out of it. i think with the hassle of moving my office around and being a little displaced that way, and not feeling like i've had things together i've been taking advantage of mymind and it's tendency to wander. but lately as i've dreamed, i've noticed my thoughts wondering what it is that i need to be doing with my time, and whether or not what i'm doing now is the best thing for me.

let's look at this for a moment... i work at a job where i'm asked to be available to people 24 hrs a day for 6 days out of the week, expected to move about 150 people (youth and young adults and in some cases their families) in a progressively Jesus-ward direction, expected to have some kind of a program that engages people and turns them towards God relationally, i'm not paid that great for it, and i've only seen one 3 day weekend in 6 years of doing this. there are times when i'm tired beyond belief, stretched way too thin, and i can't see the forest for the trees. my marriage gets stressed and there are times when i don't see my son for days and even weeks at a time (most notably during summer camps).

but i can't give this up. if i ask myself in my heart, truly honest and submitting myself ultimately to what Jesus is asking of my time and efforts, i cannot leave it. i quit my job almost monthly but i don't tell anyone because i want more the next day. i am driven by the belief that the church is the hope of the world, and the hope of the church is teenagers. i might be a glutton for punishment, but i know that kids need people who can walk alongside of them, tell them that they matter, and then show them how to be apprentices of Jesus. who knows, maybe i won't be doing this someday, but for now, this is where i'm at.